Republicans in 2016 promised to “Make America Great Again.” They won the White House that year despite losing the election by millions of votes. Now, mission accomplished, they’re running on their promise to Keep America Great.
How great is it to be “Great Again?” Well, the Pentagon announced this week it’s planning to release explosive secret files on decades of UFO research and it barely rated a few lines in the back pages of the newspaper. We’ll have to time to review those alien autopsies after the secret government kidnapping vans finish rounding up dissidents, virus deaths drop below two 9/11’s a week, and we’re allowed the leave the country again. Being great again is taking a toll, a death toll.
They warned me if I voted for Hillary the government would close the churches and block us from escaping the country. National debt would skyrocket and the economy would collapse. We would depend on government handouts to survive, criminals would run the government, a gang of global pedophiles would operate above the law, and secret police would kidnap people off the streets. Feds would create concentration camps in empty Wal-Marts, and Black Lives Matter would infiltrate NASCAR. Damnit, they were right.
Lots of folks imagined the worst on election night back in 2016. No one imagined this.
There are concentration camps on the border to store children we kidnapped from the families of asylum seekers. The camps have been cobbled together in the most American way possible, out of abandoned Wal-Marts or other impromptu sites. They are managed by private companies making millions off the business. We’re doing this to punish their parents for seeking asylum and threaten others who might do the same. That’s not a guess or an accusation. That’s what government lawyers claimed in court while defending the practice. As one might expect, courts have repeatedly ruled this practice illegal, but no has been able to make them stop or get the kids released.
When their children are kidnapped, the asylum seekers are given a phone number to call to check on their kids. The number goes to a call center with no information on their kids. Parents are being deported without their kids, and the government can’t reliably find them. In 2018 the government lost track of more than 1500 detained migrant kids. Oops. Welcome to America, where We’re Great Again.
What’s it like to live in America after we’ve been made Great Again? You can’t go out in public safely without wearing a mask. We’re stacking up corpses from this avoidable disaster at the rate of more two 9/11s a week, and the death toll is accelerating. Republicans have suddenly discovered an interest in education, insisting now that kids should go back to school because only a modest percentage of them will die. Welcome to an America that’s Great Again, where only a small percentage of public-school children will be killed by an uncontrolled pandemic.
At least they found a way to stop all those school shootings.
Our inept pandemic response caused new unemployment claims to spike so high it broke the chart. We’re bracing for GDP to decline by roughly a third for Q2, a dive more extreme than we’ve ever recorded. Six months into this catastrophe a mind-boggling 30 million Americans are collecting unemployment benefits. Essentially the entire economy has been nationalized to stave off utter disaster. Socialism isn’t a problem once you’re Great Again.
But if this disaster was caused by a global pandemic then everyone else should be suffering too, right. Nope. This pandemic is virtually over in the civilized world while in the shithole countries there’s still no end in sight. China already shook off the disease and its impact, returning to economic growth. Same for most of the Pacific Rim. Europe is right behind them. No one else in the civilized world experienced anything remotely like the job losses in the US, because they had capable governments to manage the disaster.
Want to go to the movies? You’ll need to travel to a civilized country to do that. Interested in going to a baseball game? Only if you’re lucky enough to live in South Korea, Taiwan or Japan. Sorry, you won’t be attending a football game, unless you mean the kind of football where they only use their feet. To do that you’d have travel overseas, but you can’t do anymore because civilized countries don’t want Americans and their MAGAFlu cooties.
If you live in one of those states governed by Republican sociopaths you can still go out to dinner at a restaurant, but a meal isn’t all you might get.
Conservatives used to worry that China was taking over Hollywood. That process is on its way to completion as China and Europe are now the only major markets with functioning cinemas. If you can’t draw an audience in Beijing or Berlin, then you can’t draw an audience at all.
The President promised to build a wall on the border. He didn’t tell us it would keep us in. If you joked about fleeing to Canada, the joke’s on you. Canada won’t take us anymore. Mexico closed its land border with us and air travelers to the country have to quarantine to avoid spreading their disease. Flights to Europe from the US are now almost exclusively limited to repatriation of EU citizens and diplomatic or official travel.
Republicans were worried about illegal immigrants. Now that we’re great again immigration isn’t a problem anymore. Nobody wants to come here. Demand for US visas is so low that the Immigration Service is planning massive layoffs. That’s ok. Border Patrol could probably use those fired workers now that they’ve taken on responsibility for kidnapping dissidents in American cities. Yeah, that’s a thing that’s happening.
As one might expect, not everyone is excited about being Great Again. Protests that started months ago over another round of police murders have caught fire, turning into a summer of rage. As the protests started to wane the administration decided to stir them up again to shoot some campaign ads. The military refused to cooperate, so Republicans sent in the racist goons from Border Patrol who are operating now without insignia or identification. They started rounding up random “suspects” and trundling into them unmarked rental vans. Predictably, this move has fanned more violent protests all over the country and the campaign ads people are seeing aren’t quite what Republicans had planned.
If you own a Dollar General or a pawn shop in a “troubled” neighborhood these aren’t the best of times. But interestingly enough, the stock market is booming, in case you wondered where the greatest was hiding in this “Great Again” project.
Who’s still excited about all this greatness? Fewer and fewer people are drinking the Kool-Aid. Now that we’re Great Again there are only three kinds of people left in the Republican Party, racists, religious nuts and grifters. Turns out that’s a lot more people than we might once have believed, but not nearly enough to win a fair election. Might not stop them.
Being Great Again means not having to count the votes. Republicans are pulling out the stops to avoid having all this greatness ruined by how much people hate them. They’ve tried to purge voter rolls and force people to risk a deadly disease to vote. Their campaign will probably fail, just like everything else they attempt. This much you can count on, if Republicans manage to steal this election, there will be a lot fewer Americans around to bask in the resulting greatness.
At least we don’t have a President who once did a thing about some emails or something. Imagine how terrible that would have been.